Ditch the Boyfriend (and Bullshit!)
Before I dive into what exactly a Life Coach can do for you, I want to explain why it is important to ditch the boyfriend.
Disclaimer: I am not recommending we abandon healthy relationships, so read on.
When I was growing up, I always dreamed of marrying the right guy and living happily ever after. I suppose it was impressed upon me that having a husband and family was my ticket to happiness and fulfillment.
Why I believed this, I really am not 100% sure. Using my Mom and Dad as a model for this theory, I certainly would not have come to this conclusion. Although they had a successful marriage in the end, they did not emanate love and compassion for one another when I was younger. Their fights were frequent and destructive, with their mutually explosive tempers leaving a backlash of debris all around them.
Slamming doors, throwing things, yelling and threatening divorce were regular occurrences. I don’t mean this to be disrespectful to my parents at all (especially my Mother who is still living), but it is how I remember their relationship growing up.
I remember escaping to my bedroom at a very young age and playing house with my baby dolls and stuffed animals. My game always involved a perfect family and me as the nurturer of my children and animals. Through this innocently childish, escapist role play, my yearning to have my perfect dream family grew stronger day by day.
I was eventually of age to date and always felt I chose wisely. In fact, I would often say to myself how proud I was of being a good “picker,” meaning I picked ‘good guys.’,
However, almost all my relationships were, to some degree, toxic and looking back, I now realize that the common denominator was- you guessed it- me.
Although I really enjoyed their company and love, ultimately, they were a kind of ‘filler’ for the emptiness and unease within me. I would often assume the role of manipulator, and controller of their behavior through a myriad of dysfunctional ways, in order to try and meet this need. After all, this is what I had learned growing up. I had learned NOT to be myself and to fit in at all costs. Which, in turn, left me feeling very empty and confused, not to mention unable to be alone. The relationships I sought out were the calm for the storm inside.
I was sure if I just met the right guy, we would get married and I would live happily ever after.
I mean, I knew what I did NOT want a relationship to look like. I would not have the relationship my parents did. I would not have the problems they had, and I most certainly would not have the family they had.
I would do things differently and live the life of my dreams.
As you know by now, things didn’t go quite as I had planned. What actually happened is that I brought all these bad habits of relating into my marriage. As a parent, I did some things better than my parents and some things worse. I did not earn the parent of the year award ever, but I certainly tried to be the best Mom I could be.
As hard as I tried, the type of relationship I so desperately wanted to avoid having in my adult life, I ended up replicating. After the divorce, I vowed my life would be different. IF I dated, I would find the perfect man and have the perfect relationship.
Unfortunately, many of us grow up with this belief that we will be happy when we get married and have children. We are not taught to seek happiness within ourselves, but rather to look outward for it. We are taught that happiness is dependent on our circumstances, our choice of partner, our jobs, the amount of money we have, and so on. We can’t possibly control it.
It is no wonder our society is riddled with addictions of all kinds. The 12 step program houses millions (and this number continues to grow) of people suffering from over 60 kinds of addictions, who have come together with a common interest- to heal their life. At the heart of all these addictions is that fundamentally false and misleading premise that our happiness resides in someone or something outside ourselves.
This is proof that we are not instilling in our children the belief that they hold within themselves everything they need to succeed. However, it is the truth that would be worth our while to instill into the generations to come.
I do believe one way to help the world is to begin by helping ourselves. We can love ourselves exactly as we are right where we are today. We can make a commitment to take care of ourselves, and to stop turning to other people or things for fulfillment.
We can leave the destructive relationship and spend some time with ourselves, learning how to be our own best friend and confidant. The degree to which we are comfortable with ourselves is measured by how content we feel in the presence of our own company. This is where the healing HAS to begin.
We have become a society full of deeply codependent people because we cannot spend time by ourselves. We are constantly seeking the approval of others instead of learning how to be comfortable and confident in our own skin.
This approval seeking outside of ourselves, perhaps particularly in women, is a magnet for abusive partners. Abusers are adept at sensing vulnerability from as early as the initial meeting, and their diseased thinking then oozes into every pore of their victim, who perceives it as attention and love, when it is truly soul crushing. A worthwhile partner will not exploit neediness but will allow their loved one to stand on their own through support and empathy.
Increasing numbers of women and men are waking up to the importance of leaving destructive and co-dependent relationships and to be their own hero. They are realizing their strength and taking their lives back.
It is such a beautiful thing when you see a person go from being in a relationship that is literally sucking the life out of them, to truly doing what it takes to stand on their own. The empowered and enlightened woman is establishing her own life and her own rhythm, before she invites anyone else into it.
She is developing strong female friendships and busy creating the life of her dreams.
If this sounds like something you would like, and you have not taken the time to be alone, then it is time to get real with yourself, establish some boundaries, and leave your toxic BS behind.
It is hard work, but you can do it. Because the answer to winning in your life is NOT finding yourself in a man, woman, or in a relationship at all. This search for your authentic power- or wholeness- in another person is doomed to failure and heartbreak.
If you are a woman struggling to leave an emotionally or physically abusive relationship, I want you to make a promise to yourself today to get the help you need. We do not have to, nor can many, recover from abuse without support. So please reach out to gain support in this arena. I have some resources to help you.
If you are a woman or man just sick and tired of the BS involved in dating mediocre people, there is a solution. STOP DATING THEM! Start dating yourself! Make this commitment to be alone.
The truth is we attract who we are. But if your life is not where you want it to be, it isn’t because some else is sabotaging your life. It is because YOU are sabotaging your life.
This is your life and only you have the power to change it. No matter what your current situation is right now YOU CAN AND WILL Win at this Life you have been given, if you begin and never give up!
Furthermore, if you are currently not where you want to be in life or are not being the person you know you are capable of being, you are essentially putting out a lot of bullshit vibes. And those vibes are attracting some greater bullshit into your life. As a wise person once said, “Your vibe attracts your tribe.” And so it is.
To get rid of the bullshit in your life, you have to get rid of the dysfunctional beliefs, and the best way to do this is to spend some time alone and get the support you need. You will find no better support than a Life Coach to move your life in the direction you want it to go.
So, ditch the boyfriend, girlfriend, or whomever it is that is holding you back, and use the tools in upcoming posts to hire a Life Coach (the RIGHT life coach) and make a new beginning.